Let's Go Back To The Start
by bittersweetmelody47
Summary: She knows the magnitude of a decision to be made like this, but she realizes now that she already made a decision a long time ago, the decision that wherever Jack goes, she will follow. Jate. Spoilers for 5x04.


Let's Go Back To The Start

_**i**_.

It seems like he's forgotten all those times she's taken his side as he looks at her, his face calm and his eyes questioning as his request leaves his lips.

She can tell that he's bracing himself for rejection.

Even after all this time.

But then she remembers all the times that he had believed he knew what her intentions and feelings were, only to have her prove him wrong, sometimes in the worst possible way.

He _had_ seen her with Sawyer on that camera, merely weeks after she had kissed him in the jungle.

She _had_ broken his heart.

And she wishes desperately, still, that she could take it all back.

It was foolish, what she did, and the fact that she had continued her relationship with Sawyer even after she had hurt Jack still fills her with a shame that never goes away.

She meant it when she said Sawyer was gone, and the message behind it.

So it saddens her a little that he has seemingly learned his lesson by the actions she regrets, and that he is so unsure of her in anything now.

She walks back towards him and he stares up at her patiently as she does so.

Her lips curve into a smile of reassurance as she says her next words.

"I have always been with you."

She sees that she's surprised him as he blinks, taking in her words, and she turns and walks away, leaving him with that.

Maybe he'll realize the true meaning behind those words.

She hopes.

_**ii**_.

She listens quietly as Jack urges them all to follow his plan, and can't help but feel this nervousness deep down inside.

A lie to this extent is very serious, something that will affect the rest of her life.

But she also knows that she's willing to do it, that she must.

"Kate?"

She breaks away from her thoughts and blinks, meeting Jack's eyes of expectation, and she doesn't even hesitate.

"Yeah."

He continues to stare back at her for a second more, then he turns away, asking the others, and she can tell by the way his face is set that he's grateful.

_**iii**_.

On the last night before their new lives back home begin she finds him standing against the railing, staring out across the sea.

At first he fails to hear her footsteps, for he seems to be so deep in thought, but as she comes to stand by his side he takes notice of her and smiles at her almost sheepishly, the smile she's seen on him more than once when she appears unexpectedly.

She smiles back at him and rests her hands on the railing, and as he sees that she has nothing to ask of him he looks back out at the ocean again.

She follows his gaze, but after a second or two she looks at him out of the corner of her eye and the expression on his face is calm, but she can tell, as always, that he's anxious about the day ahead of them.

The day that's only hours away, that will change their lives.

His hand is inches away from hers and after wasting a moment debating on whether she should do it, she places her hand over his.

She can feel his eyes on her as she continues to stare ahead, and even though she's not looking at him, she knows he's smiling.

_**iv**_.

As she sits in the taxi she feels a deep disappointment swell within her, because she had hoped that he would say yes.

She knows the reason for his reluctance, she knows that he's hurting very much inside, and it keeps him from taking that step forward and seeing that sweet blonde-haired boy who waits at home.

The boy that looks so much like his mother. His real mother.

She wishes things could be different, but she loves Aaron, and always will, and whoever becomes a prominent part of her life also becomes part of his as well, and he must come first now.

He has to, now that she is the woman he refers to as mommy.

But even with her disappointment, she's relieved, because of something else Jack said.

When he had declared that he didn't love her anymore in front of everyone at that trial, her heartbreak actually became almost like a physical ache.

But she couldn't blame him, because she had done many things to make him want to get away from her and never look back, to move on.

Even so, the days afterward went by in a sort of haze, and she couldn't help but feel so lost inside, so dejected.

It was something that wouldn't go away.

Not until he met up with her moments before and said he never meant it.

And she was able to breathe again.

She had been on that island with him every day, and now that they're back in civilization, now that they're home, and she doesn't have the opportunity to merely look up or around her to see him, she can't seem to truly get used to her new life.

Because he's not in it.

And honestly, she doesn't think she could ever really be happy if her life doesn't involve him.

It's a realization that's taken a long time for her to acknowledge, but that doesn't make things any easier now that she's aware of it.

As the taxi pulls up in front of her house, her life of a free woman now a reality, all she can hope is that he'll change his mind.

She'll be waiting.

_**v**_.

It's raining heavily outside, and even though it's not even that late in the evening the house is enveloped in darkness.

She just put Aaron to bed fifteen minutes ago; they had been at the park all day and all the games they played and the exercise really wore him out enough to the point that she had to carry him out of the car and inside the house when they arrived back home.

She had taken him to the park because she can really do these things now. There's no more of that fear that she'll be recognized and caught at any moment.

She can behave like a normal mother with her son, and without a doubt, she'll relish every moment.

She turns on a lamp as she settles on the couch, reaching for the remote.

The lightning flashes through the open blinds and across the room as she flips through the channels.

The thunder is loud and startles her at first and she wonders if Aaron will climb into her bed tonight, like he always does on nights like these.

After nothing catches her interest on TV she turns it off and gets up, thinking of checking on Aaron.

She hears a light tapping but it's barely discernible, and she stills, but after a moment only the sound of the thunder remains so she guesses she must have imagined it.

It's only when she's at the bottom of the stairs that she hears it again, coming from her right, and she realizes that someone is knocking on the door.

It's probably eight in the evening now, and as her hand encloses around the doorknob she tries to think of anyone who would show up here at this time.

She gets her answer as she opens the door.

Jack is standing on the threshold, his suit and hair dripping wet, but his eyes shine with confidence, promise.

She's so taken aback by the sight of him that she merely stares at him, and he at her, until finally he breaks the silence.

"Okay, Kate."

He says nothing more but she knows exactly what he means.

It's taken a week for it to come to this, and it's been the longest week ever, but now he's here and that's all that matters.

She smiles broadly at him and takes him by the hand and leads him into the warmth of her home.

"I'll get you a towel."

_**vi**_.

The tears blur her vision so much that she has to stop the car in another parking lot nearby.

She had guessed that he was in a bad state; it's been a couple of months since they've seen each other and judging by the slur in his voice she hears every time he calls or leaves messages on her answering machine she had an idea that he wasn't doing so well.

But nothing had prepared her for seeing him like that.

He's changed so much; the guilt has broken him down so much that, to her, he's almost unrecognizable.

Because she remembers how he used to look, how he used to be.

She leans back against the seat and takes a deep breath as his voice rings through her mind again and again.

_We have to go back, Kate._

There was a wild desperation in his eyes, something she had never once witnessed dwell in them, and it scared her.

She wasn't afraid of _him_. She was afraid of how he had so completely and utterly lost himself.

She didn't mean to lash out at him like that.

But as she tried to drive away the first time she had felt this anger surge inside her, because it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that he could be like this, that he had left her and Aaron to wallow in his misery and despair.

She wanted him to realize that he's not the only one who's in pain.

She just wants things to go back to the way they were.

She wants to wake up to the sound of running water in the bathroom and know that he's in the shower.

She wants to hear his voice again as he calls her on the way home from work asking her if she wants him to bring anything home.

She wants to lay down in bed and faintly hear him across the hall reading to Aaron, and afterward grin at him as she pulls him down into bed with her.

She wants to be happy again.

She presses a hand against her eyes for a moment, then starts the car once more and drives home to the boy who's wondering where she is.

_**vii**_.

She feels like she's going to be sick.

Aaron colors in the backseat, oblivious to her distress, or that there's anything wrong or out of the ordinary at all, and she doesn't know what to do.

She takes out the map and peruses it for a moment, then tosses it aside.

She doesn't know if she can do this alone.

There must be someone who can help her.

And the name comes to her immediately.

_Jack._

He's always been the one in the past that she's turned to, that she knew for sure could help her with anything.

But she saw him recently, she saw what he looked like, what he's let himself become.

She pulls out her cell phone and flips it open, pressing the button she had pressed so many times not so long ago, and his name and number emerges on the screen.

She stares at it, the sight of his name another pang in her heart, and she almost does it, she almost calls him.

Almost.

_**viii**_.

When he calls her she almost doesn't answer because she expects he'll just try to convince her again to listen to him.

She can't deal with that right now.

But she answers anyway.

He sounds different, concerned and bothered by something she doesn't know, and when he asks her where she is she debates telling him or not.

But she does anyway, and he says that he'll meet her there soon.

When she sees him wave at her, smoothing down his tie as he crosses the street towards her car, it's hard for her to take in the change in his appearance.

The last time she had seen him, he was a wreck.

But he looks better now, and she's relieved, but also melancholy, because he looks how he used to, when things between them were good and content.

He stoops down so that his face is level to hers, and despite all the anger she should still feel towards him, the distance that continues to hover between them, she lets forth a tentative smile.

He smiles back at her apprehensively, and she notices the bags that hang under his eyes, the tight, tired face, those things being the only reminders of how he was when she met up with him at that airport parking lot.

"You shaved your beard," She comments, just for something to start the conversation with, and can't keep the approval out of her voice.

He seems to notice this and he seems to relax a bit more as he replies, "Yeah. I just needed a change."

He states it so baldly that she looks away again, for it makes her a little uncomfortable, because she knows they're both thinking of that night.

But there are more important matters to be thinking about and dealing with right now, and she explains to him, apologetic, that whatever he's come here for, it's going to have to wait.

And just like she had expected him to, he asks her why.

She shrugs it off at first, but as he persists she denies him again, a bit forcefully.

But he doesn't give up.

He never did with anything.

"Please, just tell me."

He's so earnest and it's clear to her that he wants to help her, and she looks at him, contemplating, and he peers back at her, sincere.

She gives in.

_**ix**_.

"I can fix this, Kate. I can fix it."

He says it so determinedly that she just stares back at him, her eyes welling up with tears that will inevitably flow.

He looks away from her for a second, and it appears like he's holding back on something, but then he looks at her again and lets it go.

"Aaron is my family too."

It's the first time he's ever said this and she can clearly detect the emotion in his voice.

After all this time he lets her see the pain he has so carefully concealed about Aaron, about Claire, and about the connection he had discovered existed between them and himself so tragically late.

She closes her eyes briefly, unleashing the tears, and when she opens her eyes again she squeezes his hand, which still lies warmly over hers, and smiles gratefully at him, nodding her consent.

At this he opens the car door swiftly, stepping out of the car, and she watches as he runs through the rain.

And all she can think is, _Thank you, Jack_.

_**x**_.

She can't deal with this right now, she just can't, so she tries to get away, but he catches up with her, like he always does.

"Kate! Kate, wait."

She turns to face him, reluctant and tired, so tired of all this, and he approaches her, coming to stand in front of her.

It's starting to rain now, not heavily, but enough to make her hair slightly damp.

"Jack," She begins, before he can try, yet again, to persuade her. "What you're asking me to do, I can't. You have to understand that. I can't."

"Why?" He asks, his eyebrows furrowing, confusion and slight frustration evident in his face. "Why can't you, Kate? What's holding you back?"

A fleeting memory of Claire crosses her mind, of that dream in which Claire had told her so urgently to not bring Aaron back to the island, and even though it was a dream, she still wonders if she should take it seriously, if it really does mean something.

"Because Aaron shouldn't be taken back there," She answers, her voice becoming more of a hush as she continues. "You remember what Locke said, don't you? He said bad things have happened there. Do you really think it's safe to bring Aaron back there?"

He listens to her words quietly, taking them in, but then he shakes his head and replies, "You don't have to worry about that. Everything will be fine."

She scoffs, fixing him with an incredulous gaze. "How do you know?"

"Because I won't let anything happen to him," Jack says, his voice overflowing with seriousness. " Or you. I promise."

His sincerity makes her struggle to find the next words to say, but he goes on.

"I can't keep thinking about them anymore," He says quietly, revealing a painful truth, and she's fixated on him. "Those that I left behind. I have to go back and save them. If I don't, I'll never be at peace again."

He stops there and looks away, fixing his eyes on nothing, and adds softly, "I have to find Claire. I have to save her."

Her heart aches for him as he says this, because she's always known how this has plagued him incessantly, how he has carried this on his shoulders with no relief.

He looks back at her again, his eyes full of regret. "I made a mistake, Kate, when I left you like that. And I know how angry you are at me and I deserve it. I've always regretted what I did."

He quiets at this, and she remembers vividly all those nights that she continued to sleep on her side of the bed because she was already used to it, how Aaron would ask for him but she'd have to tell him that Jack was away, and would be for a while, and how the sadness that would show on Aaron's face, the intensity of it, was felt by her as well.

She remembers how Aaron would ask if Jack was going to come back soon and she'd have to reply that she didn't know, and how afterward she'd lie in bed at night and cry.

Jack moves closer to her, his face desperate, but not with that desperation that had frightened her only a few nights before, but a desperation to make things right again, to make this distance, this rift, that exists between them to go away.

"I'm sorry for everything," He says, his eyes boring into hers. "But now I'm asking you to be with me on this. I can't do this without you, Kate."

She doesn't know exactly why she chooses to do it, but she does, and she closes the gap between them and crashes her lips on his.

He stills as she does this, surprised, but then he responds with fervor, resting his hand against the small of her back, pulling her close, and she brings her hand to the back of his head, over his wet hair.

After a moment they break apart, and he continues to hold her tightly to him, her head leaning against his neck.

"Will you do this with me?"

She knows the magnitude of a decision to be made like this, but she realizes now that she already made a decision a long time ago, the decision that wherever Jack goes, she will follow.

"Of course I will," She breathes, a big weight all of a sudden being lifted off her shoulders as she says it, and she feels him relax, assured.

They still have a lot of things to work through, a lot of issues to confront and resolve before they can even achieve any level of happiness, and even though it will surely take a while, she just can't bring herself to feel worried.

She knows they'll make it there in the end.

---

fin.


End file.
